Here I go...

Walking and Talking Across Spain - long distance walking chelates the chemicals that trigger my Multiple Chemical Sensitivities

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Looking for a Flecha Amarilla

It's 5 am, 
and I woke up depressed.
I'm not sure why.
My life is not so bad.
In fact, I'm blessed in many ways.
*
But I feel... 
disconnected today.
My ex has disappeared from Facebook,
and I'm worried.
I can't call.
It wouldn't be right.
*
"Why do you care?" my sons ask.
I suppose the answer is,
"Because he's the last person I remember
truly and completely loving me."
*

What has our world become
when people can no longer speak face to face with one another?

This virus called the web
is smothering our humanity
and it frightens me.
*
My computer
can interact with me, I'm told.
It can "think."
But it feels like a poor substitute today
because it's not talking me out of my morning depression,
now is it?
It's not brewing me a cup of coffee
and telling me everything will be all right.
*
It's cold and impersonal.
I need warm and loving.
*
There are thing I used to have
that I miss these days.
I miss friendship with a real live human.
I miss having someone care about me.
I miss someone to talk to, to rub cheeks with.
I miss being touched, hugged, laughed with.
*
But a curious thing;
sometimes when I do have the opportunity
to talk to another human
I often walk away feeling empty,
unfulfilled,
broken.
I can't put my finger on it.
It's like I've forgotten something really important
and I can't remember what it is.
Even God feels too far away to respond to my emails today.
*
Maybe I should just walk out the front door
of this garage-made-into-a-room
and keep on walking
until I'm back on the Camino,
where people actually look each other in the eye,
smile honest smiles,
and say, 
"Buen Camino!"
like they mean it!
*
Life moves slow there,
on that twisting dusty road.
It's simple.
Just put one foot in front of the other
and you'll reach your destination.
Just follow the flechas amarillas,
the yellow arrows.

I'm slower and dustier too, these days
I've noticed.
And there are no flechas amarillas
anywhere to be found.
No sign to tell me which way to turn,
which road to take.
*
Perhaps that's why I long to return
to that faraway land
of blistering sun and cleansing rain
where I know no one person
but every pilgrim is my best friend forever.


* * * 

I found the following poem on another blogger's website today.
It felt "right."
Please come back tomorrow.
I promise to have worked through this
and have more to tell you
about eating on the Camino.
Today, however,
is going to be a day of reflection
and introspection.
I need to find a yellow arrow.

* * *
 
it is time for me
to see the flaws
of myself
and stop
being alarmed

it is time for me
to halt my drive
for perfection
and to accept
my blemishes

it is time for me
to receive
slowly evolving growth
the kind that comes
in God’s own good time
and pay no heed
to my panicky pushing

it is time for me
to embrace
my humanness
to love
my incompleteness

it is time for me
to cherish
the unwanted
to welcome
the unknown
to treasure the unfulfilled

if I wait to be
perfect
before I love myself
I will always be
unsatisfied
and ungrateful

if I wait until
all the flaws, chips
and cracks disappear
I will be the cup
that stands on the shelf
and is never used.

-Joyce Rupp
from The Cup of Our Life

* * *

Note:  If you would love to walk the Camino Santiago, 
but are not quite ready to go it alone, 
consider joining Annie
on one of our small, affordable Camino walks. 
For more information see our website 
at this link: AnnieWalkers Camino

1 comment:

  1. Here's to your day of meditation and peace! Looking forward to hearing from you again...and yes I wish we could do it face to face my friend! Pax, Karin

    ReplyDelete

All comments are moderated.