Day 6 Post Op

Beautiful pano view from my son's front porch

Today is 6 days after my surgery.

I've stopped taking most of the pain meds.

Yesterday I was STUPID and did WAY too much.

I vacuumed upstairs and downstairs.

Today I'm certainly feeling it.

I'm a bit swollen and sore in the armpits

and across my incision.

So today I'm taking it easy.

I'm finding it difficult to sit in front of the tv.

I think I've watched 

everything there is to watch on Netflix.

So I'm getting a lot of genealogy 

catch-up work done on ancestry.com.

Tomorrow I need to get out my art supplies 

and get back to drawing.

Oh, and I'm going for a chest x-ray.

I had a really bad flu in February.

I honestly believe it was Covid-19.

But ever since then 

I've had a cough when I breathe deep.

I am coughing up some green guck, 

mostly in the mornings.

So we just want to be sure 

it's nothing to worry about.

Otherwise, life is good.

Lots of sunbreaks here - 

Spring has sprung in Dallas, Oregon.

The view from my bedroom window

and from my son's front porch

is spectacular!

Stay safe, folks.

Sending out love,

Annie

View from my bedroom window

The BEST News Ever!

Yesterday afternoon I got the best news 

since this began.

My surgical nurse called 

with the results of my post op lab work.

:::drumroll:::

The lymph nodes were CLEAR.

The tumor had shrunk to 

5% 

(yes FIVE PERCENT!) 

of it's original size.

Dr. Johnson got it ALL 

and there were CLEAR MARGINS!

There was NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER 

in any of the rest of the tissue.

This is the BEST news I could have!

It makes it all worth it.

Now, I'm supposed to be on Letrozole 

for 5 years, then I'm done.

I'm trying to decide if or if not 

I'll stay on the Letrozole.

The side effects since they changed the brand 

are difficult.

I was originally on TEVA brand 

and didn't feel any side effects.

Then the brand changed 

because the pharmacy changed their contract,

and BOOM!  

Side effects hit like a bomb!

This could be 

because it was early in the game, 

and the side effects took a while to manifest, 

or it could be the off-brand's dyes and fillers. 

There's really no way to know 

until I get back on the TEVA. 

But I really suspect, with my MCS, 

it's the dyes and fillers in the off-brand.

My beautiful bright yellow little 

sunshine pill 

is now a dusky dark ugly orange thing 

that seems to make me ache all over.

Whichever brand, 

the common side effects of Letrozole 

are well documented.

It most likely WILL give me osteoporosis, 

and WILL most likely ruin my teeth.

It makes me ache in the mornings.

My feet feel like they have knives in them.

I'm just not sure if I'm willing 

to live 5 years with this.

I have found a pharmacy 

that will get the TEVA brand Letrozole 

beginning on May 1 

so I promised my surgeon 

I would try it for a month.

Then we'll see...

I'm VERY convinced that the supplements along with the guided visualization I did also had a lot to do with the tumor shrinking. Now that surgery is over, and I'm almost finished with the post op meds, I'll get back to my KETO diet, my supplements, and will continue the guided visualization.

Anyway, I also woke up to my stimulus check, 

so today is also going to be 

a VERY GOOD DAY!

I hope your day is good too!

Love,

Annie

Day 5 Post Op - Bruised and Sore

WARNING:  GRAPHIC PHOTOS








I woke up this morning stiff and sore.
The area around my armpits is very hard and swollen.
It took me a while to gently stretch things out so I could move.

My belly is also VERY swollen, which is weird.
I feel like Buddha.
I'll have to ask the doctor about that.
I usually have a fairly flat stomach.
I wonder what that's about?
Are my muscles just not working?

I'm still quite bruised on mysides.
It's interesting how the bruising stops
at my panty line.

My left drain did not leak last night so I'm hoping that issue is solved.

I am loving my new bras.

Today I'm returning some things I purchased that I will never use including the following:

 1) Pregnancy pillow- it was just "too much" and ended up on the floor each night. I suggest you just use the pillows you have. Maybe buy a few smaller softer pillows for your arms. I HAVE enjoyed the wedge pillow. I stand it up to lean against to watch tv or write during the day and lay it down to sleep at night.

2) Bidet. I was worried I wouldn't be able to wipe my butt. I have short arms and had problems when I fell and hurt my ribs 2 years ago. But these are different muscles and it was absolutely no problem. We never even installed it.

3) Shower Chair. Maybe if you are having reconstruction you might need this, or if you are very heavy. But I didn't need it at all. I was perfectly able to get a shower alone on the second day after surgery.

4) Mastectomy top. I kept one but returned one because the snap broke the first day.

Today I'm going to clean my bedroom, do some laundry, and take a short walk, and try to get some of the belly swelling to go down. Maybe try some gentle leg lifts and crunches. 

For those on this journey, here is a photo of Day 5.

New Bras Arrived Today - Masthead Elizabeth Pink Surgery Bras

So I spent some serious cash 
on 4 new bras from Masthead.

These are specifically 
mastectomy surgery bras.

I ordered two 
Elizabeth Pink Surgery Bras.

These have strong velcro closures 
in the front, 
on the top straps, 
and on the sides
so they are totally adjustable
while I'm so swollen.

Easy to put on
and take off.

They have hoops that open, 
so you have a place to hang your drains.
Once the drains are gone,
you simply cut off the ribbon
and hoops.

These arrived today and I love them. 

I also ordered two 

long-line surgery bras.

These are also surgery bras, 

except they are long, 

nearly to the waist.

These have a pocket 

for ice packs or inserts,

and are to use 

after the drains are removed.

They will arrive in two days:

Here is one YouTube video 

about the bras.

There are others.

Here is how you measure

and a little more info. 

This is actually a training video:

I probably spent more $$$ 

on these bras

than on any other item 

for this surgery.

They were worth it.

I wanted something that would

protect my scar 

and that is easy to adjust

during my healing.

These are perfect!

Day 4 Post Op - Feeling Whiney

WARNING: GRAPHIC PHOTOS and text
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Well it's the morning of Day 4, and last night was probably the worst night since surgery. It was difficult getting to sleep because I just felt uncomfortable.  That is most likely because I've stopped taking the Oxycodone (just don't want to get hooked on it) and switched to Ibuprofen. 

I feel "whiney" today. I'm experiencing some minor issues, but because I don't feel good, they FEEL major.

The left drain just isn't cooperating. It hasn't been putting out much liquid, and it leaks at the entrance site. This has led to me trying many things, and going through a lot of clothing.  I tried a bandaid, and sponge gauze. Neither worked. I tried putting a POISE pad (feminine urinary incontinence pad) under the tubing, and the liquid flowed right down under it. I tried putting the Poise pad OVER the tubing and the liquid flowed right down over it, on the plastic side. I finally cut a slit in the pad and slid it up over the tubing and that has seemed to work. Poor Cameron (my son) said it was pretty embarrassing buying POISE pads.  Hahaha!  Michael, his husband, grew up with a bunch of sisters, so for him, "no problem." But Cam had 2 brothers so this is his first experience.  ::laughing::

Anyway, I think that left tube is blocked or something. I have "stripped it" every couple of hours, but it seems to suck up instead of let down, so I'm pretty sure there's a clot in there. I called my surgeon and she said it was annoying, but no problem so far, so I'll try to ignore it. She said just keep stripping it.

The skin under my RIGHT arm and next to my RIGHT armpit (not the cancer side) is hard and swollen and sore.  I got a shower, and gently massaged my armpit with soapy hands.  It helped. 

I have a Buddha Belly. 

No, really, it's horrible!

I don't know if it's because my boobs are gone, or if I'm just too tired to hold in my gut, or if I've been eating too much crap food, but my belly is REALLY sticking out. Like a little old man with skinny legs and a fat belly.  THAT has got to go! I've started gentle exercises given to me by my PT lady. And as soon as I can, I need to get out and walk and do some crunches. Holy Hell!

When I got out of the shower today, I put on some fake eyebrows. That made me laugh because I put them on crooked, as my right arm won't lift high enough.  Anyway, it was fun, and I felt a bit more human afterwards. 

Here is my surgery after 4 nights. Looking pretty darned ok really.  Just quite a bit of bruising still. But the stitches are looking good and she really did a nice flat closure. Still waiting for my lab results. Praying for clear margins and clear lymph nodes!

PS: Just spoke with my nurse who reminded me I took the ON-Q pain pump out yesterday (because it was finished) and that's probably why I feel the more dramatic change between yesterday and today. Duh!

We went over everything and all is well. It can only get better!

Documenting blisters

I just want to document the blisters I'm getting from the paper tape on my drain sites. Sorry for the graphic quality but this is the best place.  I've talked to many gals this afternoon who have had the same issue. Most suggested to just take off the dressings and cover the drain sites with a band aid or a stretch bra.

 Tonight I've taken off the paper tape and am holding the sponge gauze with some self-adhering 3M stretch tape - not sure what it's called. Seems to be holding ok.

Tomorrow I can have a shower in the afternoon, at which time I'll take off the dressings completely and just put a bandaid on the site.

Sorry again, but here are some of the blisters.
The bottom blister broke.
I've got these on both the right and left sides of my body on both drain sites.
They are very painful.
This is a result of my Multiple Chemical Sensitivities.
I just can't use any type of paper or surgical tape on my body without a reaction.
The clear tape seems to be ok.
I had Cameron cut away the tape that was covering the bisters until tomorrow :

Day 2 After Surgery

WARNING! GRAPHIC PHOTOS
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Well, it's Day 2 after surgery and I thought I'd check in. I want to keep notes on this journey not only for myself, but for others who are going through it or will be going through it.

On the day of surgery, my son Cameron dropped me off in front of the hospital. Because of the pandemic, he was not allowed to come into the hospital with me.  A man at the desk just inside the door took my temperature, put a tag on my jacket saying I'd been screened, and pointed the way to the check-in desk.

Check in was easy. Just had to show my Medicare and Oregon Health Plan cards and make sure all my personal info was correct. Then I was taken to a surgery waiting room.

I was the only person there when I arrived. During my wait, 2 other women came in. It was strange. We didn't speak to each other. It felt a little sad.

After about 30 minutes, a nurse came to collect me and took me to my little cubby where a bed was waiting. I was instructed to undress completely and put on a gown, then get into bed.  There was a very interesting blanket to keep me warm. It felt like it was made of paper, had tubes and a long hose that filled the tubes with warm air. It felt like I was being covered by a warm cloud.

My vitals were taken and I then waited for the anesthesiologist to arrive. He asked a lot of questions, then left.

Soon after, Dr. Nathalie Johnson arrived with a big smile on her face. I can't help but just love that woman so much!

We had a deal that I could remind her where my now tiny tumor had been. I did that and she marked my skin. And then she drew a big heart on my shoulder. She asked me how I was feeling and told me we'd start very soon. The nurse had asked if I needed a valium, which Dr. Johnson had offered. I said no, I was ok.

The anesthesiologist came in next. He rolled me out of the cubby and toward surgery. There were signs posted everywhere to "be sure and give antibiotics now." We laughed about that. He gave me something he said would relax me. We went into an elevator and that's the last I remember. I don't remember going out of the elevator! So I didn't get the chance to hear Dr. Johnson sing me to sleep. 

I woke up in Recovery and was in and out of consciousness.

Soon I was taken to my room, where over a few hours, I woke up.

People kept asking if I was in pain.

I was not.

Within an hour or so, I needed to get up to use the toilet.

My CNA was wonderful. 

Her name was Priscilla and she was from Northern Africa.

I believe she said Libya

but honestly, I was so drugged up I can't recall.

She helped me to the bathroom.

I was surprised they let me get up so soon.

While in the bathroom, I was able to look into the mirror

to see my surgery site.

I was very happy 

at the way it looked.

Nice and flat, as promised!

I was offered some jello and yogurt.

Both were way too sweet, 

but I ate a little

and didn't have any problems,

so I was able to order dinner.

I think I had a salad,

but I can't remember.

I stayed in the hospital that night.

I had several different nurses.

I had a difficult time sleeping

because my oximeter kept going off.

I'd look at it and my oxygen would be down in the 50's!

Over and over and over this happened,

until one nurse figured out what was going on

and gave me an oxygen cannula to wear. 

Then I finally got some sleep.

I was told after I heal

I should be checked for sleep apnea.

This COULD be why I never feel very rested

in the mornings. 

So I will be sure to follow up on this.

The next morning I got a new nurse.

He was a crack up and a real sweetheart.

Another African, this time from Cameroon,

he told me his name was Bono,

but his OTHER name was 

THBH,

which stood for 

Tall, Handsome, Black and Humble!

Hahahaha!

I loved him

He was an excellent nurse!

My dressing where the drains were kept leaking,

so he had to change my dressings 

and my bed twice.

I felt bad because of the extra work,

but

he was so pleasant and told me not to worry.

I woke up at 4 am,

my usual time,

and had coffee.

Breakfast came at 6:30.

By 11 am I was ready to go home!

I had some lunch so they could give me my meds

before the drive to Dallas.

Bono went over my post-op instructions.

I was given an ON-Q pump for pain.

What it looks like empty.

This delivers pain medicine for 3-5 days.

It is preset so I don't have to push any buttons.

As it delivers the medicine, the ball inside

gets smaller and smaller.

Once it is empty

I simply pull out the tiny tubes,

which are taped, not sewn,

into my incision site.

What it looks like full of medicine

I think this is a great tool that anyone having any type of surgery

could ask for.

In addition, 

I was given nerve blocking injections

before surgery AFTER I was out.

And I was given prescriptions for 

3 drugs:

Oxycodone - general pain

Gabapenton - nerve pain

Cephalexin - an antibiotic

So far, I've been able to keep on top of the pain.

It really hasn't been bad and I'm surprised!

I think women who do NOT have reconstruction 

do much better with the pain.

I understand the expanders they put in

really can cause not only pain

but other issues that I just was not

willing to have.

I think even if I were only 30,

I would just go Flat and Fabulous!

So... that's it.

I'm home now at my son Cameron's house.

He and Michael are taking great care of me.

I was worried about the dogs.

They have a mixed breed labrador mutt

and a golden retriever who is really just a puppy.

The puppy usually jumps,

but he's been very careful around me,

like he knows.

Here is a photo of me right after surgery.

Sorry about the grouchy look on my face.

I was drugged up with Oxy and other pain meds.

My surgeon did a WONDERFUL job!

I'm very pleased with the results.

I'll see more tomorrow when I shower

and take the bandage off,

but for now it looks like this:

And that's it!

Tomorrow I can shower.

In a couple of days I can remove the two front tiny tubes

that are giving me pain meds.

In a few more days,

I can have the drains removed.

Then I just have to take it easy until I heal.

Piece of cake!

I forgot to mention,

Cameron's husband Michael

helped me change my dressing today.

That is a wonderful son-in-law!

That is love.

The Night Before The Day After. . .

It's 3:33 am and I can't sleep.

It's the night before my double mastectomy.

Well, I guess literally it's the morning before.

My surgery is at noon today.

I have to be at the hospital by 10 am.

I'm not sure WHAT I'm feeling.

I'm talking to my breasts,

telling them thank you again,

imagining what it will feel like

to wake up tomorrow afternoon without them.

The left breast is "twinging" a bit,

like it knows something big is about to happen.

I don't really feel afraid,

just weird,

like I SHOULD be scared,

and wonder why I'm not,

and wondering if that's normal?

Lots of hopes:

I hope the surgeon will get all of the cancer.

I hope she will give me a nice flat closure.

I hope it won't look ugly.

I hope the cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes.

I hope I don't get lymphodema.

I hope I won't have a lot of pain.

I hope I will heal quickly.

I hope I'll be cancer free.

I hope I will live to be 100.

I hope...

I hope ...

I hope  ...

What a strange night . . . 

Miraculous!

I had my Pre-Op Appointment with my breast surgeon today.

Surgery is Thursday.

She actually used the word "miraculous!"

The tumor has all but disappeared.

In addition to Letrozole 

I've been doing my version 

of dirty KETO and daily 

Guided Meditation/Visualization.

I still have cancer, 

and will still need the double mastectomy, 

and she told me 

to keep taking the Letrozole (bummer) 

but was VERY positive about my outcome.

I left smiling.

Thank you ALL for your prayers and good wishes.
They're working.

Love,

Annie

Breast Art

Today I practiced making a plaster cast of my torso.

Two reasons:

1) So I remember

2) I'm an artist so how could I NOT do this?

Woman often did these of their pregnant bellies

 in the 60's and 70's.

Now it's a popular thing 

for mastectomy warriors to do.

They can be kept or auctioned off for charity.

I practiced today.

It was difficult alone, 

but I'm in quarantine 

so can't have any help me.

But it turned out 'ok' 

and I learned a LOT.

Tomorrow I think I'll do 2 or 3 more.

Here is today's

And here are a few ideas for decorating :

A Conversation With My Breasts

You were late showing up.

And now you’re leaving the party early.

In keeping in tune

with my Leo personality,

You are quite whimsical, aren’t you?

Because this change came out of nowhere! 

From the time of my birth, 

I’ve ridden the wave of life, 

Successfully, I like to think. 

Through childhood and adult abandonment, 

Through spinal meningitis at age 7.

Through being kidnapped.

Through being hit by a car. 

Through being run over by a tractor.

Through sexual and physical and emotional abuse.

Through an airplane crash that killed my father and beloved brother.

Through cheating husbands and divorce,

Through loss of job and through struggle,

Through all this,

I’ve taken the lemons I’ve been given

And made a lemonade 

That would make anyone’s mouth water.

Life has been GOOD! 

And now you hand me this huge sack of lemons 

And ask me to make lemonade,

Again. 

Well, it’s gonna be difficult, 

But I’m going to give it my best shot! 

Oh you beauties, 

I have such wonderful memories of us!

You and I!

Our life together!

You showed up late, as I said earlier.

My younger cousin, Janie,

Touted a bra at 8.

I was so jealous I could have screamed.

She called me "honey" and "sweetie,"

and I felt lesser.

She flaunted it and made me hate her;

She shouldn't have gotten breasts before me!

I think you finally showed up around age 11,

Two tender buds swelling from my chest.

And from the time you first blossomed,

I loved you dearly.

Then I began to share you.

The first to adore you was a boy named Dave,

(Or was it Wayne?)

In a haystack in the barn,

(Or was it in the backseat of a bright yellow Chevy?)

After a half century, the details run together, but,

Wherever it was,

I remember being exhilarated! 

Electrified!

Whoah! 

This was a GOOD thing! 

You rocked my world! 

It was the beginning of a long and wonderful life

 Together. 

You and I. 

You and I. 

You and I. 

Us.

You brought me the most extreme pleasure.

I loved looking at you in the mirror.

Two beautiful mounds, growing each year,

Until you settled into a comfortable 34-B cup.

Then came pregnancy. 

Holy Hell! 

You GREW! 

You SWELLED to a giant 40-D 

You were HARD and ANGRY and full of milk 

Ready to feed a hungry child. 

That was the only time you caused me pain. 

And it was only for a day or two, 

Until we settled into a feeding schedule, 

But dang, that was crazy!

I remember

Those days,

The feeling of my milk “coming down.”

There’s nothing like it.

A tingle that begins high in the chest,

Then sparkles down to the nipples,

And causes milk to spurt out 

Unexpected and uninvited. 

A time of wet blouses,

Laughter,

Joy.

I remember nursing my children.

You did such a great job!

There has been nothing sweeter than gazing 

Down at the face

Of my sweet newborn babies

As they tugged hungrily at you.

You provided life,

Food, for a brand new being.

It blew my mind.

Three times I was given this pleasure. 

Three sons took sustenance from my body, 

I was only able to do it because of you. 

YOU did that. 

Years passed and we had a wonderful life together! 

I remember other fun times with you. 

Sexy tops with plunging necklines. 

Bikinis and crop tops. 

Topless sun bathing in the beautiful Caribbean

and in the hot tubs of Bakersfield. 

Loving caresses from husbands and lovers. 

The delight you have given me 

Has been indescribable. 

Beyond anything I could ever dream of. 

I just want to thank you so much

For all the joy, pleasure, and life we have shared.

We have been quite a team!

You have been remarkable!

You never aged.

You never sagged or changed.

You stayed beautiful and plump and sensitive.

And I have loved you so much.

I still love you.

And then, out of nowhere, 

On Christmas 2019, 

You gave me a gift that wasn’t on my list. 

Laying in bed, a cold night, 

I ran my hands up the left side of my body and felt 

Something that shouldn’t be there. 

A lump. 

A LUMP! 

A lump? 

WTF? 

What WAS that? 

A bit of panic. 

Doctor appointment. 

Mammogram. 

Ultrasound. 

Biopsy. 

Diagnosis. 

Papillary Invasive Carcinoma. 

Double mastectomy. 

First “What?” 

Then "Really?" 

Then "Where the hell did THAT come from?" 

I eat clean. 

I exercise. 

I don’t smoke or drink or do drugs. 

Then “Why?” 

Then "What caused it?" 

Did I bump myself in the bad fall I took 

Two years ago?

Could this be something I manifested

From the deep sorrow of being abandoned by people 

I poured my soul out to,

People I nurtured and taught and loved so deeply,

Who turned on me like wolves,

Who lied about me,

Who twisted my motives,

Then walked away and broke my heart?

Did it grow from the deep pain in my breast I felt 

When this disloyalty reared its ugly head, 

Knocking me to my knees in painful disbelief? 

Or did I create this myself? 

Do this myself? 

To myself? 

To you? 

Or could it be a result of the chemical-laden environment we live in. 

The airplanes spraying the sky, 

The autos spewing their filth into the air,

The poisoned water and food,

The fragranced laundry products I can’t escape from.

There’s just no way of knowing.

Nobody to blame.

Not even myself.

It just “is.” 

Well, no use crying over spilt milk, as they say. 

Bootstraps, it’s time! 

Let’s take these fucking lemons 

And make some lemonade! 

Yes, I’ll miss you two more than you’ll ever know. 

Mostly I’ll miss the pleasure you give me. 

I look down at you, and you still look perfect. 

You are beautiful! 

I heft you in my two hands and squeeze you, 

And you still FEEL perfect. 

I run my fingers over your nipples, 

And you still respond, like magic. 

And THAT electrifying feeling 

is what I’ll miss most.

That part makes me very sad.

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in the Twilight Zone.

But no staying sad.

Yes, I’ll miss you. 

But I’d miss this wonderful life more!

Doc said 50% chance of a recurrence 

With just a lumpectomy or single mastectomy, 

And only 1%-3% with a double mastectomy. 

Well, the “double” it is. 

Onward and forward.

No more looking back.

And now, here we are, 

Coronavirus pandemic looming,

Nine days and counting.

I’ve ordered plaster cast material.

I’m going to make a cast of you,

Paint it, and hang it on my wall

In memory

Of you.

I’ll make it bright and perky and colorful, 

Like you have been. 

In this way, you can continue to give pleasure, 

To me as well as to others,

Just in a different way.

Oh, you two wonderful old friends.

You whimsical, bouncy, bubbly old friends!

We've spent 67 wonderful years together!

And now, you’ve thrown me for a loop.

I surely wasn’t ready for this.

But the time is nearly here

For you to take your leave forever. 

Nine days and counting. 

I’m going to miss you. 

I’m going to miss you. 

I’m going to miss you! 

Love Forever, 

Annie