The BEST News Ever!

Yesterday afternoon I got the best news 

since this began.

My surgical nurse called 

with the results of my post op lab work.

:::drumroll:::

The lymph nodes were CLEAR.

The tumor had shrunk to 

5% 

(yes FIVE PERCENT!) 

of it's original size.

Dr. Johnson got it ALL 

and there were CLEAR MARGINS!

There was NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER 

in any of the rest of the tissue.

This is the BEST news I could have!

It makes it all worth it.

Now, I'm supposed to be on Letrozole 

for 5 years, then I'm done.

I'm trying to decide if or if not 

I'll stay on the Letrozole.

The side effects since they changed the brand 

are difficult.

I was originally on TEVA brand 

and didn't feel any side effects.

Then the brand changed 

because the pharmacy changed their contract,

and BOOM!  

Side effects hit like a bomb!

This could be 

because it was early in the game, 

and the side effects took a while to manifest, 

or it could be the off-brand's dyes and fillers. 

There's really no way to know 

until I get back on the TEVA. 

But I really suspect, with my MCS, 

it's the dyes and fillers in the off-brand.

My beautiful bright yellow little 

sunshine pill 

is now a dusky dark ugly orange thing 

that seems to make me ache all over.

Whichever brand, 

the common side effects of Letrozole 

are well documented.

It most likely WILL give me osteoporosis, 

and WILL most likely ruin my teeth.

It makes me ache in the mornings.

My feet feel like they have knives in them.

I'm just not sure if I'm willing 

to live 5 years with this.

I have found a pharmacy 

that will get the TEVA brand Letrozole 

beginning on May 1 

so I promised my surgeon 

I would try it for a month.

Then we'll see...

I'm VERY convinced that the supplements along with the guided visualization I did also had a lot to do with the tumor shrinking. Now that surgery is over, and I'm almost finished with the post op meds, I'll get back to my KETO diet, my supplements, and will continue the guided visualization.

Anyway, I also woke up to my stimulus check, 

so today is also going to be 

a VERY GOOD DAY!

I hope your day is good too!

Love,

Annie

Day 4 Post Op - Feeling Whiney

WARNING: GRAPHIC PHOTOS and text
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Well it's the morning of Day 4, and last night was probably the worst night since surgery. It was difficult getting to sleep because I just felt uncomfortable.  That is most likely because I've stopped taking the Oxycodone (just don't want to get hooked on it) and switched to Ibuprofen. 

I feel "whiney" today. I'm experiencing some minor issues, but because I don't feel good, they FEEL major.

The left drain just isn't cooperating. It hasn't been putting out much liquid, and it leaks at the entrance site. This has led to me trying many things, and going through a lot of clothing.  I tried a bandaid, and sponge gauze. Neither worked. I tried putting a POISE pad (feminine urinary incontinence pad) under the tubing, and the liquid flowed right down under it. I tried putting the Poise pad OVER the tubing and the liquid flowed right down over it, on the plastic side. I finally cut a slit in the pad and slid it up over the tubing and that has seemed to work. Poor Cameron (my son) said it was pretty embarrassing buying POISE pads.  Hahaha!  Michael, his husband, grew up with a bunch of sisters, so for him, "no problem." But Cam had 2 brothers so this is his first experience.  ::laughing::

Anyway, I think that left tube is blocked or something. I have "stripped it" every couple of hours, but it seems to suck up instead of let down, so I'm pretty sure there's a clot in there. I called my surgeon and she said it was annoying, but no problem so far, so I'll try to ignore it. She said just keep stripping it.

The skin under my RIGHT arm and next to my RIGHT armpit (not the cancer side) is hard and swollen and sore.  I got a shower, and gently massaged my armpit with soapy hands.  It helped. 

I have a Buddha Belly. 

No, really, it's horrible!

I don't know if it's because my boobs are gone, or if I'm just too tired to hold in my gut, or if I've been eating too much crap food, but my belly is REALLY sticking out. Like a little old man with skinny legs and a fat belly.  THAT has got to go! I've started gentle exercises given to me by my PT lady. And as soon as I can, I need to get out and walk and do some crunches. Holy Hell!

When I got out of the shower today, I put on some fake eyebrows. That made me laugh because I put them on crooked, as my right arm won't lift high enough.  Anyway, it was fun, and I felt a bit more human afterwards. 

Here is my surgery after 4 nights. Looking pretty darned ok really.  Just quite a bit of bruising still. But the stitches are looking good and she really did a nice flat closure. Still waiting for my lab results. Praying for clear margins and clear lymph nodes!

PS: Just spoke with my nurse who reminded me I took the ON-Q pain pump out yesterday (because it was finished) and that's probably why I feel the more dramatic change between yesterday and today. Duh!

We went over everything and all is well. It can only get better!

The Night Before The Day After. . .

It's 3:33 am and I can't sleep.

It's the night before my double mastectomy.

Well, I guess literally it's the morning before.

My surgery is at noon today.

I have to be at the hospital by 10 am.

I'm not sure WHAT I'm feeling.

I'm talking to my breasts,

telling them thank you again,

imagining what it will feel like

to wake up tomorrow afternoon without them.

The left breast is "twinging" a bit,

like it knows something big is about to happen.

I don't really feel afraid,

just weird,

like I SHOULD be scared,

and wonder why I'm not,

and wondering if that's normal?

Lots of hopes:

I hope the surgeon will get all of the cancer.

I hope she will give me a nice flat closure.

I hope it won't look ugly.

I hope the cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes.

I hope I don't get lymphodema.

I hope I won't have a lot of pain.

I hope I will heal quickly.

I hope I'll be cancer free.

I hope I will live to be 100.

I hope...

I hope ...

I hope  ...

What a strange night . . . 

Miraculous!

I had my Pre-Op Appointment with my breast surgeon today.

Surgery is Thursday.

She actually used the word "miracle!"

The tumor has all but disappeared.

In addition to Letrozole 

I've been doing my version 

of KETO and daily 

Guided Meditation/Visualization.

I still have cancer, 

and will still need the double mastectomy, 

and she told me 

to keep taking the Letrozole (bummer) 

but was VERY positive about my outcome.

I left smiling.

Thank you ALL for your prayers and good wishes.
They're working.

Love,

Annie

Breast Art

Today I practiced making a plaster cast of my torso.

Two reasons:

1) So I remember

2) I'm an artist so how could I NOT do this?

Woman often did these of their pregnant bellies

 in the 60's and 70's.

Now it's a popular thing 

for mastectomy warriors to do.

They can be kept or auctioned off for charity.

I practiced today.

It was difficult alone, 

but I'm in quarantine 

so can't have any help me.

But it turned out 'ok' 

and I learned a LOT.

Tomorrow I think I'll do 2 or 3 more.

Here is today's

And here are a few ideas for decorating :

A Conversation With My Breasts

You were late showing up.

And now you’re leaving the party early.

In keeping in tune

with my Leo personality,

You are quite whimsical, aren’t you?

Because this change came out of nowhere! 

From the time of my birth, 

I’ve ridden the wave of life, 

Successfully, I like to think. 

Through childhood and adult abandonment, 

Through spinal meningitis at age 7.

Through being kidnapped.

Through being hit by a car. 

Through being run over by a tractor.

Through sexual and physical and emotional abuse.

Through an airplane crash that killed my father and beloved brother.

Through cheating husbands and divorce,

Through loss of job and through struggle,

Through all this,

I’ve taken the lemons I’ve been given

And made a lemonade 

That would make anyone’s mouth water.

Life has been GOOD! 

And now you hand me this huge sack of lemons 

And ask me to make lemonade,

Again. 

Well, it’s gonna be difficult, 

But I’m going to give it my best shot! 

Oh you beauties, 

I have such wonderful memories of us!

You and I!

Our life together!

You showed up late, as I said earlier.

My younger cousin, Janie,

Touted a bra at 8.

I was so jealous I could have screamed.

She called me "honey" and "sweetie,"

and I felt lesser.

She flaunted it and made me hate her;

She shouldn't have gotten breasts before me!

I think I was around 11 when I noticed the

Two tender buds swelling from my chest.

And from the time you first blossomed,

I loved you dearly.

Then I began to share you.

The first to adore you was a boy named Dave,

(Or was it Wayne?)

In a haystack in the barn,

(Or was it in the backseat of a bright yellow Chevy?)

After a half century, the details run together, but,

Wherever it was,

I remember being exhilarated! 

Electrified!

Whoah! 

This was a GOOD thing! 

You rocked my world! 

It was the beginning of a long and wonderful life

 Together. 

You and I. 

You and I. 

You and I. 

Us.

You brought me the most extreme pleasure.

I loved looking at you in the mirror.

Two beautiful mounds, growing each year,

Until you settled into a comfortable 34-B cup.

Then came pregnancy. 

Holy Hell! 

You GREW! 

You SWELLED to a giant 40-D 

You were HARD and ANGRY and full of milk 

Ready to feed a hungry child. 

That was the only time you caused me pain. 

And it was only for a day or two, 

Until we settled into a feeding schedule, 

But dang, that was crazy!

I remember

Those days,

The feeling of my milk “coming down.”

There’s nothing like it.

A tingle that begins high in the chest,

Then sparkles down to the nipples,

And causes milk to spurt out 

Unexpected and uninvited. 

A time of wet blouses,

Laughter,

Joy.

I remember nursing my children.

You did such a great job!

There has been nothing sweeter than gazing 

Down at the face

Of my sweet newborn babies

As they tugged hungrily at you.

You provided life,

Food, for a brand new being.

It blew my mind.

Three times I was given this pleasure. 

Three sons took sustenance from my body, 

I was only able to do it because of you. 

YOU did that. 

Years passed and we had a wonderful life together! 

I remember other fun times with you. 

Sexy tops with plunging necklines. 

Bikinis and crop tops. 

Topless sun bathing in the beautiful Caribbean

and in the hot tubs of Bakersfield. 

Loving caresses from husbands and lovers. 

The delight you have given me 

Has been indescribable. 

Beyond anything I could ever dream of. 

I just want to thank you so much

For all the joy, pleasure, and life we have shared.

We have been quite a team!

You have been remarkable!

You never aged.

You never sagged or changed.

You stayed beautiful and plump and sensitive.

And I have loved you so much.

I still love you.

And then, out of nowhere, 

On Christmas 2019, 

You gave me a gift that wasn’t on my list. 

Laying in bed, a cold night, 

I ran my hands up the left side of my body and felt 

Something that shouldn’t be there. 

A lump. 

A LUMP! 

A lump? 

WTF? 

What WAS that? 

A bit of panic. 

Doctor appointment. 

Mammogram. 

Ultrasound. 

Biopsy. 

Diagnosis. 

Papillary Invasive Carcinoma. 

Double mastectomy. 

First “What?” 

Then "Really?" 

Then "Where the hell did THAT come from?" 

I eat clean. 

I exercise. 

I don’t smoke or drink or do drugs. 

Then “Why?” 

Then "What caused it?" 

Did I bump myself in the bad fall I took 

Two years ago?

Could this be something I manifested

From the deep sorrow of being abandoned by people 

I poured my soul out to,

People I nurtured and taught and loved so deeply,

Who turned on me like wolves,

Who lied about me,

Who twisted my motives,

Then walked away and broke my heart?

Did it grow from the deep pain in my breast I felt 

When this disloyalty reared its ugly head, 

Knocking me to my knees in painful disbelief? 

Or did I create this myself? 

Do this myself? 

To myself? 

To you? 

Or could it be a result of the chemical-laden environment we live in. 

The airplanes spraying the sky, 

The autos spewing their filth into the air,

The poisoned water and food,

The fragranced laundry products I can’t escape from.

There’s just no way of knowing.

Nobody to blame.

Not even myself.

It just “is.” 

Well, no use crying over spilt milk, as they say. 

Bootstraps, it’s time! 

Let’s take these fucking lemons 

And make some lemonade! 

Yes, I’ll miss you two more than you’ll ever know. 

Mostly I’ll miss the pleasure you give me. 

I look down at you, and you still look perfect. 

You are beautiful! 

I heft you in my two hands and squeeze you, 

And you still FEEL perfect. 

I run my fingers over your nipples, 

And you still respond, like magic. 

And THAT electrifying feeling 

is what I’ll miss most.

That part makes me very sad.

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in the Twilight Zone.

But no staying sad.

Yes, I’ll miss you. 

But I’d miss this wonderful life more!

Doc said 50% chance of a recurrence 

With just a lumpectomy or single mastectomy, 

And only 1%-3% with a double mastectomy. 

Well, the “double” it is. 

Onward and forward.

No more looking back.

And now, here we are, 

Coronavirus pandemic looming,

Nine days and counting.

I’ve ordered plaster cast material.

I’m going to make a cast of you,

Paint it, and hang it on my wall

In memory

Of you.

I’ll make it bright and perky and colorful, 

Like you have been. 

In this way, you can continue to give pleasure, 

To me as well as to others,

Just in a different way.

Oh, you two wonderful old friends.

You whimsical, bouncy, bubbly old friends!

We've spent 67 wonderful years together!

And now, you’ve thrown me for a loop.

I surely wasn’t ready for this.

But the time is nearly here

For you to take your leave forever. 

Nine days and counting. 

I’m going to miss you. 

I’m going to miss you. 

I’m going to miss you! 

Love Forever, 

Annie

My Double Mastectomy Surgery is "On" and Things . . .

I got an email from my surgical nurse yesterday.

My double mastectomy surgery, originally scheduled for April 23, is "on."

I will spend one night in the hospital then come to my youngest son's home to recover. The original plan was to go to my elder son's home, as he is a surgical nurse. But since the outbreak of the virus, surgeries at his hospital have dried up and he has been moved into another department and we are afraid of being exposed. So my youngest son's home is the safest place.

I've been chatting with other women who have had double mastectomies and I've been collecting "things" I'll need for this surgery. 

Mastectomy Pillows for sleeping and riding in the car - to protect the incision site

These are "drain" holders - I'll have at least one, and maybe two drains attached to my body for a couple of weeks. These will hold those and keep them from swinging around.

This holds my drains when I shower.

A bidet sprayer which attaches to the toilet. 

A hot/cold bottle with a straw so I can drink while lying down

A "wedge" to sleep on for a few weeks to keep my upper body in a semi-sitting position.

I also have a couple of post surgery camisoles that were gifted me by Providence Breast Clinic. These zip up the front so I can easily get into them. They have detachable pockets inside to hold the drains. 

In addition, they have pockets to insert my "Knitted Knockers" prosthesis when and if I'm ready. The Knitted Knockers were made by volunteers and are gifted free of charge to mastectomy patients. A gift of love, they come in all colors and sizes. You can order them with or without nipples, and you can order special water-friendly ones to be used in your swimsuit.

If you know anyone undergoing breast cancer and chemo or mastectomy surgery, there are several very supportive Facebook groups I belong to.

One is simply called Mastectomy Support Group and is a closed group.  It's a good place to hear other women's stories and to ask advice or just vent and get support.

The other group I belong to is called "Flat and Fabulous."  I've joined this group because I have decided NOT to have any reconstructive surgery. There are two of these; one for after you've had your surgery where the "C" word is NOT discussed and one where you can discuss your cancer and/or treatments.  Both are filled with very supportive women. 

So, despite Mr. Covid, my surgery is on.

Thank you all so very much for your support. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for a positive outcome and for protection from the virus. 

You are ALL in MY prayers during this crazy time!
Love,
Annie