Looking for a Flecha Amarilla

It's 5 am, 

and I woke up depressed.

I'm not sure why.

My life is not so bad.

In fact, I'm blessed in many ways.

*

But I feel... 

disconnected today.

My ex has disappeared from Facebook,

and I'm worried.

I can't call.

It wouldn't be right.
*

"Why do you care?" my sons ask.

I suppose the answer is,

"Because he's the last person I remember

truly and completely loving me."

*

What has our world become

when people can no longer speak face to face
with one another?

This virus called the web

is smothering our humanity

and it frightens me.

*

My computer

can interact with me, I'm told.

It can "think."

But it feels like a poor substitute today

because it's not talking me out
of my morning depression,

now is it?

It's not brewing me a cup of coffee

and telling me everything will be all right.

*

It's cold and impersonal.

I need warm and loving.

*

There are thing I used to have

that I miss these days.

I miss friendship with a real live human.

I miss having someone care about me.
I miss someone to talk to, to rub cheeks with.

I miss being touched, hugged, laughed with.

*

But a curious thing;

sometimes when I do have the opportunity

to talk to another human

I often walk away feeling empty,

unfulfilled,

broken.

I can't put my finger on it.

It's like I've forgotten something really important

and I can't remember what it is.

Even God feels too far away
to respond to my emails today.

*

Maybe I should just walk out the front door

of this garage-made-into-a-room

and keep on walking

until I'm back on the Camino,

where people actually look each other in the eye,

smile honest smiles,

and say, 

"Buen Camino!"

like they mean it!

*

Life moves slow there,

on that twisting dusty road.

It's simple.

Just put one foot in front of the other

and you'll reach your destination.

Just follow the flechas amarillas,

the yellow arrows.

I'm slower and dustier too,
these days

I've noticed.

And there are no flechas amarillas

anywhere to be found.

No sign to tell me which way to turn,

which road to take.

*

Perhaps that's why I long to return

to that faraway land

of blistering sun and cleansing rain

where I know no one person

but every pilgrim is my best friend forever.

* * * 

I found the following poem
on another blogger's website today.

It felt "right."

Please come back tomorrow.

I promise to have worked through this

and have more to tell you

about eating on the Camino.

Today, however,

is going to be a day of reflection

and introspection.

I need to find a yellow arrow.

* * *

 

it is time for me
to see the flaws
of myself
and stop
being alarmed

it is time for me
to halt my drive
for perfection
and to accept
my blemishes

it is time for me
to receive
slowly evolving growth
the kind that comes
in God’s own good time
and pay no heed
to my panicky pushing

it is time for me
to embrace
my humanness
to love
my incompleteness

it is time for me
to cherish
the unwanted
to welcome
the unknown
to treasure the unfulfilled

if I wait to be
perfect
before I love myself
I will always be
unsatisfied
and ungrateful

if I wait until
all the flaws, chips
and cracks disappear
I will be the cup
that stands on the shelf
and is never used.

-Joyce Rupp
from The Cup of Our Life

* * *

Note:  If you would love to walk the Camino Santiago, 

but are not quite ready to go it alone, 

consider joining Annie

on one of our small, affordable Camino walks. 

For more information see our website 

at this link: AnnieWalkers Camino