Making Peace with my Buddha Belly

My entire life, I have kept fit.

I've always looked younger than my years.
I've exercised, watched my weight, and worked out.
My stomach has always been flat, right up until my breast cancer.

Now all that has changed.

Since my double mastectomy, I've had what most women survivors call a "Buddha Belly!" There is a layer of what I can only think is lymph fluid that has taken up residence right under my scar line. It looks like man boobs! And below that is a rounded gut that protrudes like a beer belly! And the frustrating thing is no matter how much I exercise, stretch, work out, the damned thing won't go away.

I guess at my age (68) I shouldn't worry about it, or about my appearance. I mean, I'm not in the market for a husband or even a partner at this point. But I do want to be and look my best, so it does bother me. Plus my clothes are tight around that protruding abdomen.

While finding, fighting, and surviving breast cancer was challenge enough, the resulting lack of estrogen from treatment seems to have fast-forwarded the aging process, and that's almost more difficult dealing with than fighting the cancer.  My skin has aged 20 years. I've traveled my entire life and the roads I've traveled are nothing compared to the roadmap now residing on my face!  I look in the mirror and see tucks and wrinkles and wonder, "What happened to you?!"

The REST of my skin is sagging too!  I mean, what the hell!? When I bend over and look at my legs, they look like my grandmother's legs!

Then there's the arthritis, which came on with a roar while I was taking the Letrozole that was prescribed before and after my surgery. Letrozole is an estrogen blocker and it brings on old age in a matter of days, not weeks! Your skin ages overnight.  Your mind gets foggy. You lose your balance. And Holy Hell, your joints become swollen and hot. It's a bitch, in a word!  My feet were so painful at one point that I would cry putting them on the floor, even after a short rest. 

It got to the point that I dumped the Letrozole. Whether or not that was wise is yet to be known, but it was so negatively affecting my quality of life that made the decision after about 6 months to quit. With my type of cancer, my ONCO score of zero, a biopsy done with a vacuum apparatus to keep cancer cells from spreading, paired with a double mastectomy, there's a very low chance of recurrence of cancer. For me, the side effects of Letrozole weren't worth the extra months it might give me to live in misery.

So now, why am I complaining about a Buddha Belly? 

Well, because I'm a woman and I guess I'm more vain than I thought.

I remember myself being young, sleek, and in shape.

Now I feel (and look) my age.

And I don't like it.

Getting old isn't for sissies. 

Nope.

However ...

I guess if a Buddha Belly is the price I have to pay for another 30 years of mornings waking up on this beautiful planet, another 30 years of enjoying my wonderful family, of traveling to new and exciting places, making new friends and learning to become a better person, then I guess I'm ok with it. I'll just keep moving, keep working out, walking, stretching, enjoying the sunrise and sunset, hearing the birds, watching my garden grow, walking the Camino, and being grateful for life.  And I'll carry that Buddha Belly with me proudly. After all, it's a part of this body that fought like hell ... and won the battle of a lifetime.

"Peace, Belly."

"Peace."