Walking With Annie and Joe

I want to talk to you

about how Anniewalker trips

usually go.

We are not tour guides.

We are simply two pilgrims

who love the Camino

and enjoy helping others

achieve their dream of walking it.

From the time we arrive in Pamplona,

travel to SJPP,

and walk over the Pyrenees,

our pilgrims usually stick pretty close to us.

By the 3d or 4th day,

they often break into smaller groups;

the "hares" who walk fast

and the "tortoises" who walk slooooow.

Some continue to hang with us,

but that is entirely up to you.

We want this to be YOUR Camino

as much as is possible in a group.

You are not expected to walk with us,

though you are more than welcome to.

Stop and rest when you need to.

No need to rush;

you have a clean bed and a shower waiting.

Eat when you're hungry.

Drink when you're thirsty.

Take a taxi if you get too tired to take another step. It's ok. You can do that.

People might judge you.

That's ok.

That's THEIR problem, not yours.

The only requirement if you want your Compostela is that you walk every step from Sarria to Santiago.

Those days are fairly flat and easy walking.

The rest of the route is up to you.

This 2022 Holy Year Camino will be special.

Not only is it a Holy Year,

but we have all had the darned pandemic

to deal with.

It will be a time of thanksgiving

for those of us who survived it.

It will be a time to offer up prayers and thoughts for those who did not.

This Holy Year Camino

will most certainly be different.

We may be as surprised as you are

at some of the differences.

There will be changes, and challenges -

you will do best

if you can roll with the changes and the challenges.

The first lesson of the Camino is to "travel lightly" and the second lesson

is to "let go of expectation."

This can be painful for some,

hilarious for some,

refreshing for others.

You will meet pilgrims

from every country in the world,

and every walk of life.

Some will be grouchy and tired.

Maybe you can uplift them?

Offer a smile?

Pay for their beer?

Give them a foot rub or carry their pack?

Some will be giving.

Allow yourself to receive.

One thing is for certain,

the Camino will provide,

and not always in the way you expect.

And if there's anything I can promise you,

it is that you will come back home changed,

in ways you never imagined.

Have a Buen Camino!

Love,

Annie

China Stores in Spain

The China Stores in Spain are wonderful variety stores run by Asian immigrants. While in the USA, some might bristle at the name, in Spain it is very common to ask "Donde esta la tienda Chino?" It is what the Asians have named their stores.

 
I would compare the China Stores to Dollar Stores here in the USA. They carry "literally" anything and everything, from electronics to inexpensive clothing to luggage to (you name it). They are your first stop if you need a pair of flip flops, a phone charger, or Tiger Balm for sore muscles. This is also a great place to get a "China Bag" to carry your transport items in if you'd like to wear your backpack and transport items you don't need on the trail. 

Nearly every larger village or town or city will have a China Store, but ALL the big cities will have one, including Pamplona, where we begin our Camino. 

Things I've purchased here include socks, panties, tee shirts, Tiger Balm, phone charger, clotheslines, tweezers, bandaids, plastic bowls, forks, and China Bags.
Worth poking around in!

Annie's 2022 Holy Year Camino Trip is FULL!

I am so excited 

that my 2022 Holy Year Camino Trip 

is FULL! 

All of my reservations are made, 

including the backpack transport, 

and we have an entire year to get ready. 

Joe still has 4 spots open 

if you know anyone who is interested. 

It will be SO nice to walk again! 

Looking forward to seeing 

all my Spanish friends again 

and to having a 

Buen Camino!

Is it really January 2021?

Well, 2020 proved to be the year from hell for a lot of people.

Keeping my fingers crossed that 2021 is better.

So far, it's not looking like we will walk the Camino this year. We need to decide this month whether or not it is feasible. So far, the Embassy is requiring a Covid test 3 days before flying, which wouldn't be too much of an issue when flying FROM the USA. However, the USA is requiring the same test 3 days before flying home, and this could be a difficult task.

Joe and I have discussed this, and it's looking like we may simply put off our next Camino until Covid restrictions have loosened up, possibly next Spring. It's sad we are not able to travel during Holy Year, but to me, EVERY year is a Holy Year when walking to Santiago. Also, by next season, I'll better be able to hire someone to stay with my mother while I walk with the group. We will make a final decision this month.

In the meantime, I'm looking back through my posts those few days we walked the Via de la Plata and looking forward to picking up again where we left off. It will be the FIFTH time (I think?) that I have attempted to complete the VDLP. Isn't that crazy?

Healthwise, I'm doing great! I'm enjoying Dallas, Oregon. I am missing my van and really don't want to spend another cold winter here in Oregon, but otherwise all is well.  The doctor did discover Basal Cell Carcinoma on my chest above my scar last week, and I'm set for MOHS surgery next Thursday. Otherwise, except for being constantly exposed to my mother's cigarette smoke cloud, I'm doing fine.  

I have wild turkeys coming by every morning and evening - the neighbors don't like them, but I find them delightful!

The other exciting news is that I got a HUGE screen shot as an extra in the upcoming movie starring Frances McDormond, NOMADLAND. Here is a trailer on You Tube. It's up for an OSCAR! It should be out in February.

https://youtu.be/Z6zm9NEpJis

I want to apologize to anyone who commented on my posts while we were walking earlier this year. For some reason, Blogger didn't notify me that I had comments and I just (literally) found them today!  TEN MONTHS LATER!  Sheesh! I am SO sorry! I will try to figure out why I'm not being notified. But thank you so much for following me.

I guess that's all the news for now. 

Stay safe, friends, and lets pray for a better 2021.

Love and Buen Camino,

Annie

Thankful to be OFF Letrozole!

 Well, it's almost Thanksgiving! Wow, how time flies when you're having fun.

For those who have been asking how I am:

I've been off the Letrozole now for two weeks this past Wednesday and this morning was the FIRST day I've put my feet on the ground in the morning and not felt unbearable pain. My feet are still sore on the bottoms, but I'd say they were 50% better this morning. This is encouraging. Both hand felt like footballs, and my left thumb is still VERY painful, but I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel and feeling I made the right decision to quit that nasty drug. 

On Facebook, I belong to two groups of women who are taking Letrozole. I would say 90% of us are reporting the same horrendous side effects. At some point, I feel I had to choose between quality of life and quantity. With my type of cancer, the success in shrinking my tumor, the successful double mastectomy, and the research I've done telling me that honestly, this horrible drug may not give me more than a few extra months of miserable painful living, I'm perfectly happy with my decision to quit it.

I'm now on more of a plant based diet, but not totally. I'd say it's more Paleo. I am staying away from wheat grown in the USA and limiting my intake of meat. I ordered Italian wheat, and am making sourdough bread, but limiting how much I eat.  I'm having a "many-fruit-smoothie" with fresh fruit in the mornings, a giant salad for lunch, and whatever the hell I want for dinner!  I've cut back to one cup of coffee in the mornings, and I am putting a spoon of sugar in it as the erythritol and xylitol were giving me diarrhea and that tells ME that my body did not like them.  

I am listening to my body.

I bought a rebounder and I'm using it every day. My mother isn't happy to have it in the living room, but tough bananas! It's staying!

I'm also doing healing meditations in the evenings.

I have a lipoma growing to the left of my spine near my neck. I feel it pressing on my spine and it aches. I believe it is what is causing my left arm to constantly go numb. I have a doctor's appointment in December and will do my best to get him to send me to have it removed.  I have had it looked at before, and had it injected in Mexico one year, but it's continuing to grow. It could be what is causing the nerve damage which is causing the pain in my thumb, though I think THAT is from the Letrozole. 

Emotionally, I'm feeling better. Happier. More positive. My mother and I seem to be reaching a place where we can at least get along. She is doing much more for herself now. My only complaint is that there seems to ALWAYS be someplace to go or something to do and I'd love just to have some days to myself. I will be pet sitting for my son for 3 blessed weeks in December and look forward to having some days to myself then.

I've been cleaning out a lot of my art supplies and selling them. I got rid of knitting supplies, polymere clay supplies, and several tins of colored pencils, just keeping what I think I'll use. I'd love to find someone to teach how to upcycle the Bratz dolls as I have many hundreds of dollars invested in that and have two bins full of dolls I really don't want to just give away. 

Camino-wise, we are still waiting to see if our group will be able to fly. Waiting, waiting. My ex's flight from Georgia to Oregon for Thanksgiving was cancelled this past week, so I'm not too hopeful. But we're holding out until we know for sure, keeping our reservations until the last minute.

Life is good!

I'm alive!

I'm grateful for each day and looking forward to living to be 100!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Annie

Update November 2020

 

Well, here we are in November.

Biden was just elected President.

Covid is still an issue.

The house in Oregon closed escrow.

I'm in Desert Hot Springs picking up the remainder of my art supplies.

The Camino trip is still on this year for Anniewalkers, though Joe will be taking the group as I'm taking care of my elderly mother for now.

My mastectomy scars are healing. I feel that "iron bra" less and less. Still some soreness, tightness, and a dog-ear at the end of my incision is driving me a little nuts, but otherwise, all seems well.

I'm having a lot of horrible side effects with the Letrozole the doctor wants me to take for 3 years. My feet are so painful, I want to scream when they hit the floor in the mornings. My thumb on the left is developing a trigger thumb. It's very swollen, hot, and painful. My skin is dried up like a prune and I'm losing hair. My memory is worse than it was before and I have a lot of brain fog. My emotions are all over the place. I feel like I woke up and was 90 years old. And so I'm considering quitting the Letrozole.  In all the research I've found, there's no indication that it will really give me more years to live, and every indication those years I do have might be hell on this medication. I've tried cutting back on the dosage, which is the same whether you are a 6 foot woman weighing 220 or a 5 foot woman weighing 95 pounds. Cutting back really hasn't helped. I'm deciding this week what I'll do.

I've been reading Chris Beat Cancer and I think I'm going to follow his protocol.  What I do know is this:

Update August 2020

 I thought I would update you about where I am and what I've been doing.

While I was camping in Klamath Falls, I got a call that my mother had fallen again. So I packed up the van and headed down to Central California. When I arrived, I was shocked at the sight of my mother, who was on the couch, very weak and frail looking.

After a bit of a discussion, the decision was made to sell her house in Hanford and move her up to Oregon where she would be closer to me and the rest of the family.  Mom had actually spoken to a real estate agent the week before who had given her a price. I called a real estate agent, who came out the next day. She insisted she could sell the house in 24 hours and said she could get $20K more than the previous agent had said. I asked mom to give this lady 30 days, mom agreed, and we listed it.

I'll be danged if we didn't have an offer for her full price within 24 hours of the listing going live!

So... by myself, I packed up my mother's 4 bedroom 2 bath home, and rented a U-Haul truck. My youngest son flew down, and together with a neighbor, we packed up the truck. We had to leave a few things behind, but she was able to bring most up to Oregon, where we stored it all in my son's 2nd garage.

In the meantime, my son had found the perfect house here in Oregon and we put an offer on it contingent upon seeing it in person. We went to see it the day after we arrived, and fell in love with it.

Mom's house in CA closes escrow on Tuesday and the house here closes one week later. 

Mom is doing a lot better here. She is eating better, but having difficulty swallowing and only weighs about 85 pounds. I have the name of a doctor here and am trying to get her an appointment set up for after we move into our house. 

I'm doing "ok." 
I'm definitely exhausted, but hanging in there.
Just a couple more weeks to get settled in and then I hope to get some rest. I was unable to continue with my Physical Therapy appointments but have tried to stretch and massage my incision here at home. I can tell that I need to do more, but right now, other things are more important, like getting mom settled in.

What a hell of a year it's been!?
It can only get better, right?

Here are some photos of our new home. The house is going into my name, so I won't be vanning for a while:

Life is Good!

Feeling Flat and Fabulous - Healing Nicely

Just a quick update. I know I haven't been posting lately. I'm spending a lot of time healing from my surgery. I'll be in Portland, Oregon until at least the end of August. My last Oncology appointment is September 5.  Then a trip down to California to check on my mom. Then I'm not sure if I'll return to Portland or head for the Arizona desert for the winter. Joe has offered up his condo for the winter which means I can be closer to my family. I haven't yet made a decision.

I spent yesterday getting the van ready for a 2 week camping trip. It will be good to be out in nature again!

Anniewalkers' 2021 Holy Year Camino is still ON! We are all in a bit of a "wait and see" mode to find out whether or not the USA will be allowed to enter Europe. It will just depend on where this pandemic goes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the numbers will peak and then drop. It's a crazy feeling not knowing ...

Ivar is selling some cool masks on his Camino Santiago website. Here are some photos...

You can find these at this link:
Ivar's Camino Store

I'm working on a little French Bulldog called "Parker" this week.
My new website hasn't gotten much traffic but I also haven't done the work to get it noticed. That's on my list of things to do.

That's really all the news.

Praying things get back to normal soon.

Take care and stay safe.

WEAR YOUR MASK!

Love,

Annie

Anniewalkers 2021 Holy Year Trip is ON!

Yesterday I spent the day confirming all of the reservations for both my Anniewalkers 2021 Holy Year walking group and Joe's.  It was good news all around. All of our lodgings are open and our reservations are confirmed.

WE ARE WALKING!

If you are interested in joining us for Holy Year, my group has one open space. Joe has room for 2 more pilgrims. This is a nice way to do the Camino because we do all the booking for you and our prices include backpack transport. See my website at www.anniewalkers.com for more information.

Now, it's really just a matter of waiting to see how this pandemic "pans" out (pardon the pun) and whether or not we'll be able to fly into Spain.

I'm missing Spain and getting pretty excited! My friend, Patty, and I are thinking about going early, maybe April, and walking the entire Frances with no reservations, just for the heck of it. 

I'm crazily out of shape though. The surgery really kicked my butt. I walked 2.2 kilometers on Wednesday and was gasping for air. I asked my physical therapist about this on Thursday and she said it was normal. She gave me a walking schedule and I should be back up to 25-30 kilometers by the first of the year. She said, "Go sloooooooow!" so that's what my plan is. I do have to say I was surprised though, how little energy I had.

Everything otherwise is going great. My range of motion is probably back to 90% normal. Scars are healing up nicely and I'm feeling fine. Just one more month on the Letrozole an I should be able to quit taking it.

Life is good and the Camino is calling!

As always, one foot in front of the other.

Love,
Annie

9 Weeks Out and Feeling GREAT!

Well I'm 9 weeks out from my double mastectomy and things are healing up good. I do have a bit of an "iron bra" feeling with numbness and a bit of swelling under my incision line. But I saw the doctor Friday and she said to give it time and it would soften up. I'm doing hot castor oil packs each day and the physical therapist has me stretching and doing light free weights.

I took a VERY short walk yesterday - just around the block - and was SHOCKED at how tired and winded I got. It depressed me a bit. I'm used to being more energetic. But those who have gone through this tell me it can take months to recover - so I'll just keep plodding along.

I've spent the last few days working on my new website. Please take a quick peek and please share it on your Facebook page if you don't mind. I can use all the help I can get to supplement my income. The new address is:

anniespetportraits.com

I'm still taking Letrozol and so far, no bad side effects. I had my son pick up a 90 day prescription for me yesterday. The total with my Oregon Health Plan and Medicare was only $3.65.  A woman on one of my Facebook groups was shocked when her very same prescription cost her over $90 !!!  What the hell? This country needs to address the criminality of pharmaceutical companies taking advantage of people who REQUIRE medicines to live!  Boy, that made me angry on the one hand, and VERY grateful for Oregon Health Plan on the other.

Two of my sons are coming over for dinner tonight. I'm really looking forward to it. This coronavirus has sure put a dent in my social life and it will be good to have visitors.

Well, I guess that's all the news. Here is the latest drawing I've been working on.

Stay safe, everyone!
Love,
Annie

Jean Luc

My portrait of Jean Luc is coming along. 

Tomorrow I'll work on the chest fur 

and then do the highlights 

and I may be finished by Wednesday!

I took the steri-strips off of my incision today. 

They were just driving me mad.

Those, along with the feeling

that I have wash cloths rolled up and 

stuck under my arms -

I had to make something better,

and the steri-strips were the only thing

I had control over.

The incision is healing nicely.

It's a little scary having the steri-strips off,

but I feel less bound up.

This week I'm packing up

and getting ready for my temporary move 

to Portland.

Joe has been kind enough to rent me his condo

for a few months 

while I go to physical therapy and finish healing.

I'm not sure how long that will last -

we'll just play it by ear,

but I'm expecting to stay at least 2 months,

maybe longer.

It will be nice to have my 'own' space again,

where I can get back on my diet,

take my supplements more regularly,

and stretch and do yoga and weight training

to get back my strength.

Oregon is beautiful this time of year,

and I'm really enjoying it!

Thanks to Cameron and Michael

for taking care of me before, during, and after my surgery!

I'm going to miss them,

and I'm going to miss my "grand-dogs,"

Data and Jean Luc!

Life is good!

Love,

Annie

Starting a New Drawing as I Recover

Well, my two days of "do nothing" are up today and so I began a new drawing. This one is of Jean Luc, my son's wonderful Golden Retriever.

I took about 2 to 3 hours 

deciding what colors to use on him. 

I watched a video my teacher made 

on Golden Retrievers and for the most part 

I will be using the colors she suggests. 

There are a few changes in his coat colors.

Here is my color chart 

which doesn't include eyes or nose.

 Lots of colors in a Golden Retriever!

Before I drew on the Pastelmat, 

I did a quick mock-up with pencil

 on printer paper, 

just to make sure I had the right size.

Next I drew the cartoon on Pastelmat.

Then I began by working on his left eye.

I just wanted to feel like I had started.

I will get much more done tomorrow.

But here is Jean Luc for tonight:

Today is the 19th day 

since my Double Mastectomy.

I'm healing up well.

I have good range of motion 

and can move my arms in most directions.

I have to move them slow 

when reaching above my head,

and if I put my hands behind my head 

to make "chicken wings" 

it is difficult to open the elbows.

So I do need some physical therapy 

and stretching,

but don't want to do too much 

too soon

and split my incision.

I tend to lift things, 

then realize I shouldn't.

It's hard for me to be still so much.

I'm generally a very busy person.

I'll be happy to get back to the pencils tomorrow.

As far as pain goes, 

it's weird. 

Most of the pain I feel now is 

under my arms, which are swollen.

My chest over the incision 

is still numb, 

though it feels like when you go to the dentist

and get a shot, 

and feeling is just starting to return.

I plan on doing a lot of massage

to get those nerves to reconnect.

I believe it can be done.

But I need to be patient and wait

until my incision is healed completely.

I still have the steri-strips on the incision.

They are supposed to fall off on their own.

I shower every morning 

and "hope" they'll come off,

but they must have superglued 

those suckers on!

Anyway, that's the update.

I have an appointment 

with my surgeon on Monday.

I'm hoping she will send me 

to Physical Therapy soon.

That's all for now.

Stay safe!

Love,

Annie

The BEST News Ever!

Yesterday afternoon I got the best news 

since this began.

My surgical nurse called 

with the results of my post op lab work.

:::drumroll:::

The lymph nodes were CLEAR.

The tumor had shrunk to 

5% 

(yes FIVE PERCENT!) 

of it's original size.

Dr. Johnson got it ALL 

and there were CLEAR MARGINS!

There was NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER 

in any of the rest of the tissue.

This is the BEST news I could have!

It makes it all worth it.

Now, I'm supposed to be on Letrozole 

for 5 years, then I'm done.

I'm trying to decide if or if not 

I'll stay on the Letrozole.

The side effects since they changed the brand 

are difficult.

I was originally on TEVA brand 

and didn't feel any side effects.

Then the brand changed 

because the pharmacy changed their contract,

and BOOM!  

Side effects hit like a bomb!

This could be 

because it was early in the game, 

and the side effects took a while to manifest, 

or it could be the off-brand's dyes and fillers. 

There's really no way to know 

until I get back on the TEVA. 

But I really suspect, with my MCS, 

it's the dyes and fillers in the off-brand.

My beautiful bright yellow little 

sunshine pill 

is now a dusky dark ugly orange thing 

that seems to make me ache all over.

Whichever brand, 

the common side effects of Letrozole 

are well documented.

It most likely WILL give me osteoporosis, 

and WILL most likely ruin my teeth.

It makes me ache in the mornings.

My feet feel like they have knives in them.

I'm just not sure if I'm willing 

to live 5 years with this.

I have found a pharmacy 

that will get the TEVA brand Letrozole 

beginning on May 1 

so I promised my surgeon 

I would try it for a month.

Then we'll see...

I'm VERY convinced that the supplements along with the guided visualization I did also had a lot to do with the tumor shrinking. Now that surgery is over, and I'm almost finished with the post op meds, I'll get back to my KETO diet, my supplements, and will continue the guided visualization.

Anyway, I also woke up to my stimulus check, 

so today is also going to be 

a VERY GOOD DAY!

I hope your day is good too!

Love,

Annie

The Night Before The Day After. . .

It's 3:33 am and I can't sleep.

It's the night before my double mastectomy.

Well, I guess literally it's the morning before.

My surgery is at noon today.

I have to be at the hospital by 10 am.

I'm not sure WHAT I'm feeling.

I'm talking to my breasts,

telling them thank you again,

imagining what it will feel like

to wake up tomorrow afternoon without them.

The left breast is "twinging" a bit,

like it knows something big is about to happen.

I don't really feel afraid,

just weird,

like I SHOULD be scared,

and wonder why I'm not,

and wondering if that's normal?

Lots of hopes:

I hope the surgeon will get all of the cancer.

I hope she will give me a nice flat closure.

I hope it won't look ugly.

I hope the cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes.

I hope I don't get lymphodema.

I hope I won't have a lot of pain.

I hope I will heal quickly.

I hope I'll be cancer free.

I hope I will live to be 100.

I hope...

I hope ...

I hope  ...

What a strange night . . . 

Miraculous!

I had my Pre-Op Appointment with my breast surgeon today.

Surgery is Thursday.

She actually used the word "miracle!"

The tumor has all but disappeared.

In addition to Letrozole 

I've been doing my version 

of KETO and daily 

Guided Meditation/Visualization.

I still have cancer, 

and will still need the double mastectomy, 

and she told me 

to keep taking the Letrozole (bummer) 

but was VERY positive about my outcome.

I left smiling.

Thank you ALL for your prayers and good wishes.
They're working.

Love,

Annie

Breast Art

Today I practiced making a plaster cast of my torso.

Two reasons:

1) So I remember

2) I'm an artist so how could I NOT do this?

Woman often did these of their pregnant bellies

 in the 60's and 70's.

Now it's a popular thing 

for mastectomy warriors to do.

They can be kept or auctioned off for charity.

I practiced today.

It was difficult alone, 

but I'm in quarantine 

so can't have any help me.

But it turned out 'ok' 

and I learned a LOT.

Tomorrow I think I'll do 2 or 3 more.

Here is today's

And here are a few ideas for decorating :

A Conversation With My Breasts

You were late showing up.

And now you’re leaving the party early.

In keeping in tune

with my Leo personality,

You are quite whimsical, aren’t you?

Because this change came out of nowhere! 

From the time of my birth, 

I’ve ridden the wave of life, 

Successfully, I like to think. 

Through childhood and adult abandonment, 

Through spinal meningitis at age 7.

Through being kidnapped.

Through being hit by a car. 

Through being run over by a tractor.

Through sexual and physical and emotional abuse.

Through an airplane crash that killed my father and beloved brother.

Through cheating husbands and divorce,

Through loss of job and through struggle,

Through all this,

I’ve taken the lemons I’ve been given

And made a lemonade 

That would make anyone’s mouth water.

Life has been GOOD! 

And now you hand me this huge sack of lemons 

And ask me to make lemonade,

Again. 

Well, it’s gonna be difficult, 

But I’m going to give it my best shot! 

Oh you beauties, 

I have such wonderful memories of us!

You and I!

Our life together!

You showed up late, as I said earlier.

My younger cousin, Janie,

Touted a bra at 8.

I was so jealous I could have screamed.

She called me "honey" and "sweetie,"

and I felt lesser.

She flaunted it and made me hate her;

She shouldn't have gotten breasts before me!

I think I was around 11 when I noticed the

Two tender buds swelling from my chest.

And from the time you first blossomed,

I loved you dearly.

Then I began to share you.

The first to adore you was a boy named Dave,

(Or was it Wayne?)

In a haystack in the barn,

(Or was it in the backseat of a bright yellow Chevy?)

After a half century, the details run together, but,

Wherever it was,

I remember being exhilarated! 

Electrified!

Whoah! 

This was a GOOD thing! 

You rocked my world! 

It was the beginning of a long and wonderful life

 Together. 

You and I. 

You and I. 

You and I. 

Us.

You brought me the most extreme pleasure.

I loved looking at you in the mirror.

Two beautiful mounds, growing each year,

Until you settled into a comfortable 34-B cup.

Then came pregnancy. 

Holy Hell! 

You GREW! 

You SWELLED to a giant 40-D 

You were HARD and ANGRY and full of milk 

Ready to feed a hungry child. 

That was the only time you caused me pain. 

And it was only for a day or two, 

Until we settled into a feeding schedule, 

But dang, that was crazy!

I remember

Those days,

The feeling of my milk “coming down.”

There’s nothing like it.

A tingle that begins high in the chest,

Then sparkles down to the nipples,

And causes milk to spurt out 

Unexpected and uninvited. 

A time of wet blouses,

Laughter,

Joy.

I remember nursing my children.

You did such a great job!

There has been nothing sweeter than gazing 

Down at the face

Of my sweet newborn babies

As they tugged hungrily at you.

You provided life,

Food, for a brand new being.

It blew my mind.

Three times I was given this pleasure. 

Three sons took sustenance from my body, 

I was only able to do it because of you. 

YOU did that. 

Years passed and we had a wonderful life together! 

I remember other fun times with you. 

Sexy tops with plunging necklines. 

Bikinis and crop tops. 

Topless sun bathing in the beautiful Caribbean

and in the hot tubs of Bakersfield. 

Loving caresses from husbands and lovers. 

The delight you have given me 

Has been indescribable. 

Beyond anything I could ever dream of. 

I just want to thank you so much

For all the joy, pleasure, and life we have shared.

We have been quite a team!

You have been remarkable!

You never aged.

You never sagged or changed.

You stayed beautiful and plump and sensitive.

And I have loved you so much.

I still love you.

And then, out of nowhere, 

On Christmas 2019, 

You gave me a gift that wasn’t on my list. 

Laying in bed, a cold night, 

I ran my hands up the left side of my body and felt 

Something that shouldn’t be there. 

A lump. 

A LUMP! 

A lump? 

WTF? 

What WAS that? 

A bit of panic. 

Doctor appointment. 

Mammogram. 

Ultrasound. 

Biopsy. 

Diagnosis. 

Papillary Invasive Carcinoma. 

Double mastectomy. 

First “What?” 

Then "Really?" 

Then "Where the hell did THAT come from?" 

I eat clean. 

I exercise. 

I don’t smoke or drink or do drugs. 

Then “Why?” 

Then "What caused it?" 

Did I bump myself in the bad fall I took 

Two years ago?

Could this be something I manifested

From the deep sorrow of being abandoned by people 

I poured my soul out to,

People I nurtured and taught and loved so deeply,

Who turned on me like wolves,

Who lied about me,

Who twisted my motives,

Then walked away and broke my heart?

Did it grow from the deep pain in my breast I felt 

When this disloyalty reared its ugly head, 

Knocking me to my knees in painful disbelief? 

Or did I create this myself? 

Do this myself? 

To myself? 

To you? 

Or could it be a result of the chemical-laden environment we live in. 

The airplanes spraying the sky, 

The autos spewing their filth into the air,

The poisoned water and food,

The fragranced laundry products I can’t escape from.

There’s just no way of knowing.

Nobody to blame.

Not even myself.

It just “is.” 

Well, no use crying over spilt milk, as they say. 

Bootstraps, it’s time! 

Let’s take these fucking lemons 

And make some lemonade! 

Yes, I’ll miss you two more than you’ll ever know. 

Mostly I’ll miss the pleasure you give me. 

I look down at you, and you still look perfect. 

You are beautiful! 

I heft you in my two hands and squeeze you, 

And you still FEEL perfect. 

I run my fingers over your nipples, 

And you still respond, like magic. 

And THAT electrifying feeling 

is what I’ll miss most.

That part makes me very sad.

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in the Twilight Zone.

But no staying sad.

Yes, I’ll miss you. 

But I’d miss this wonderful life more!

Doc said 50% chance of a recurrence 

With just a lumpectomy or single mastectomy, 

And only 1%-3% with a double mastectomy. 

Well, the “double” it is. 

Onward and forward.

No more looking back.

And now, here we are, 

Coronavirus pandemic looming,

Nine days and counting.

I’ve ordered plaster cast material.

I’m going to make a cast of you,

Paint it, and hang it on my wall

In memory

Of you.

I’ll make it bright and perky and colorful, 

Like you have been. 

In this way, you can continue to give pleasure, 

To me as well as to others,

Just in a different way.

Oh, you two wonderful old friends.

You whimsical, bouncy, bubbly old friends!

We've spent 67 wonderful years together!

And now, you’ve thrown me for a loop.

I surely wasn’t ready for this.

But the time is nearly here

For you to take your leave forever. 

Nine days and counting. 

I’m going to miss you. 

I’m going to miss you. 

I’m going to miss you! 

Love Forever, 

Annie